Dan & Neil in Your Eyes

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 45

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 18:39:23 GMT

Hey you. Yes you. What are you doing driving in the middle lane? Are you overtaking anything on the motorway? You can't be because it's deserted. Weren't you taught that the middle lane is an overtaking lane? Do you drive down the middle on a dual carriageway too? No. So pull over so that people can overtake you and get on their way. Thank you.

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Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 09:03:54 GMT

In the supermarket car park, shouldn't the "mother and baby" spaces be open to everyone after 8pm? Surely if a mother is in the supermarket with a baby after 8pm, that's just bad parenting, isn't it? And what about disabled spaces? Is deafness a disability? Surely deaf people are equally as able to walk to the entrance of a supermarket as I am. Neither of us employ the use of sound to navigate to the front of a building. We're not bats. So why do they get to park closer? What about the elderly. Or those with a limp from a recent football injury? Where are their "special" spaces? Surely they'd benefit from a slightly shorter walk, wouldn't they? And if the supermarket happens to be one of those huge "Extra" ones, isn't the distance to the far corner of the store from the entrance considerably greater than the distance from the furthest reaches of the car park to the front of the store? I need to get a life.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 43 - ALL NEW

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 22:39:47 GMT

We're back! Wave at your screen! Go on. Give us a wave! Are you doing it? Weirdo.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 42

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 22:18:42 GMT

No vitriolic rants to accompany this week's offering. Either I'm experiencing a rare moment of tranquility or I've reached the point where I just can't be bothered and I'm wondering what the point is. Having said that, if we don't speak out about the back door introduction of ID cards, we'll be heading very soon into a nightmarish future, slaves to the age of digital surveillance. So, the tranquility was clearly short lived. Thank God.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 40 - Part 2

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 12:30:19 GMT

If there's anyone living in New Zealand or Australia that wants to swap places with me and come and live in the UK, please get in touch. Why would you want to live where you are? You could be here, soaking up the grey skies. You could move into an area terrorised by marauding, knife-wielding, hoodie gangs. You could brave the roads, trying to avoid being a victim of road rage at the hands of a tiny-brained, pre-historic lunatic, hell-bent on turning your face to mince, purely because you suggested that he might have been in the wrong when choosing the pull out in front of you. But, don't worry. CCTV has made this country safe. When you are beaten to the point of being unrecognisable, or stabbed to death for your phone, you can be sure that the perpetrator will be caught on camera after committing the crime. Thank God for such effective deterrents. So come on! What you waiting for? Send me pictures of your house and I'll send you pictures of mine. You can't miss it. It's covered in Tags, so you get a house that doubles as and outdoor gallery of contemporary youth expression. Bargain!

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 40 - part 1

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 21:48:47 GMT

Oh no! it's flooding again. The rain won't stop. Let's build an ark while we still have time. We could do it together and the floating craft that we create, that will save us from a watery apocalypse, will become the symbol that finally unites the human race. And as we float on our enormous craft of peace, we can learn about our differences and find a way of overcoming them. Then the waters will subside, having wiped the earth clean of our sins and we can live together as one in perfect harmony. As long as we don't miss Eastenders.

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Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 00:32:07 GMT

What is love? Is love a rose? A rose that withers and dies? Is love the joyous beating of a heart? A heart that becomes diseased and ultimately ceases to beat? Is love a drug? An addictive drug that you need increasing amounts of to experience the same high until it destroys you? If love was meant to last, surely it would be represented by much hardier symbols. A safe. A sturdy pair of boots. A surly builder. A dark, impermeable stone. My book of romantic poetry, "Love is a Decomissioned Nuclear Power Facility", is due for release in the new year.

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Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 18:49:49 GMT

November. All the Halloween costumes and fireworks have been packed away. Now's the time to join the human dodgems on Saturday afternoons hunting out that perfect gift that, only two days after Christmas Day, will be half the price. I'm sure those of you that will be wearing tasteful tune-playing ties or experiencing your annual dose of infidelity at your Christmas "Bash" will be doing it to celebrate the birth of Jesus. Spare a thought for that innocent little newborn in his manger when you're being humped in a cubicle in the men's toilets by Kevin from accounts, as people bang impatiently on the door. Or when you're having your zip slowly lowered in an alleyway by a kneeling Maureen (the cleaner, who you wouldn't normally take a second look at - but it's Christmas!). My bitterness is just a cover for my real and increasingly less likely aspiration of being the "Chandler" character in my very own version of Friends. We have loads in common, I never tire of their company, we laugh a lot and I know that they're always there, waiting to comfort me with their wit and wisdom when arrows of sorrow and despair pierce my soul. To be a purveyor of cynicism is to be forever lonely, angry and dissatisfied. I'm off to watch I'm a Celebrity... It's great fun. And my friends will be joining me later for what, I hope, will be another hilarious night in.

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Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 10:00:51 GMT

Just as I was about to start typing I heard these exact words: "hyenas have a reputation for biting people's faces off in the dark". Then I started thinking. They either have very big jaws, or they only choose small-faced victims. Because for your face to be bitten off without you waking up and realising, it would have to be done in one bite... Then I thought if this is widely known, why don't they just tell people to keep the lights on through the night? And what's so tasty about a face, anyway? Why don't we see pig or chicken faces on the menu in expensive restaurants? Anyway, it makes the threat of a Crimewatch style scenario of a burglar breaking in and shitting in your fridge pale in comparison. So, next time you see Crimewatch, don't worry. You might lose your jewellry or find a turd on your cheese, but at least your face should be left intact.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 36

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 10:11:29 GMT

Why is it that you can't buy yellow bananas anymore? I remember being able to go into a supermarket and buy yellow ones but now they're all green. "But they'll ripen at home sir". So what am I supposed to do in the meantime if I want a ripe banana? Invent a time machine so I can go forward to that exact moment when it's ready to eat? But I couldn't just buy a ready-built time machine, could I? It'll come as a flat pack, and I'll be all excited about building it and the ultimate reward of a yellow banana but it'll take me two days to build it because the instructions are in Chinese and make no sense. There'll be 2 screws missing and a bolt that isn't even in the instructions. By which time the banana will be ready to eat anyway and I'll be in a faulty time machine on a one way trip to the land of the dinosaurs. How long before the tomatoes are sold green "so they can ripen at home, sir"? If it's about making it easier for the supermarket, they might as well just sell us the seeds and we'll grow them ourselves.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 33

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 09:49:11 GMT

Following on from last week's devastating floods, it's been reported in the news that "kids" have been pissing in the "bowsers". (Not a sentence I would have ever expected to type a month ago). These containers of water that are providing a lifeline to families are seen as yet another target for our growing legions of disaffected ASBO youth. So, what do are we going to do about it? In our increasingly left wing country, discipline is failing because there is no discipline. As they piss into our water supplies, what have these kids got to fear? A severe telling off? No. That would be demeaning and probably undermine their human rights. A tap on the wrist? No. That's common assault. What about a more humane approach. A hug to provide some much needed affection that they may be lacking from their parents? No. That would mean joining the queue on the sex register, you paedo. Maybe we could go round to their houses and piss on them in their sleep? Then that's breaking and entering, indecent exposure and it's back on the paedo files. Involve the parents. That's it. That's sure to work. If you can find them. They're so pissed or busy with their own lives, why should they give a shit what their kids are up to. Their parents didn't care about them, so why should they care about their own kids. History repeats itself. Deal with it. So, other than getting up there with them and pissing into your own water supplies, it appears there's not much you can do. Maybe it's not all bad. There are people that drink urine for health reasons, arguing that the minerals excreted by the body can be re-absorbed. So maybe these kids are doing you a favour. Go on, drink up and feel the golden glow of teenage minerals coursing through you, giving you the energy you need to clear the sewage soaked carpets from your houses and rebuild your ruined lives.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 32

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sat, 21 Jul 2007 11:56:30 GMT

It's raining again. In the Bible when it rained like this, it was to wash away the sinful world that man had created and make a new start. Noah was instructed to build an ark, and gather two of each animal so that there might be a new world created when the flood waters had subsided. Logistically, to gather two of everything, would have taken a lifetime, considering there are species as yet undiscovered by us. Also, the ark would have had to be the size of a city to house these creatures. So we've got one very old man, without the aid of intercontinental flight, or even train, finding two of every living thing, and in between trying to get enough wood together to build a floating vessel the size of a city. Then there was the building bit. It takes me all day to put three shelves up, so this wouldn't have been a weekend job. Then, the forgiving god that Christians worship, flooded the world and drowned every human that he had created, in his own image, (and every other land-based creature) so that he might "have another go". And Noah set sail on the flooded earth and when the water subsided, Noah set free the creatures from the shit-filled ark into the land of decomposing humans and all manner of other creatures. And as the animals that he had released set about their task of repopulating the earth, rutting amidst the stench of death, Noah turned to his wife and daughter. Because it was time to rebuild the human race, too. And his wife was old. But his daughter, she was of legal age and a virgin and she had very pretty eyes... Let's just hope that there's not an ark being built somewhere right now. The destruction of an entire planet at the whim of a hypocritical god, I can deal with. But incest is just going too far...

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes 31

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 11:05:57 GMT

Hey. Can't stop. Got to go and make a few more friends on Facebook. It's the perfect substitute for actually having a real conversation with an actual person. I don't even have to leave the house. They type. Then I type back. Nothing too long though, because it takes much longer to type than it does to talk. So I take longer to tell them less. Isn't that amazing? And I have so many friends now that I haven't got time to contact all of them. But it makes me feel popular knowing I have sixty friends. Having said that, they're not all actually friends. I typed in their name because I remembered it from school. And I was bored. And they sent me a message. Then I realised why we hadn't stayed friends in the first place. And I can upload photos. So the few people that are interested (and stalkers/Interpol/FBI) can look at what I've been up to. Me in front of the Eiffel Tower. Me with a cocktail with a sparkler in it. I mean, I hate looking at other people's holidays photos, if I'm honest, but mine are really funny. Anyway. I don't think I'll be moving far today. Just to get more biscuits. Now, what was the name of the girl with blonde hair I met at the bus stop when I was twelve..?

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 30

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sat, 16 Jun 2007 07:12:11 GMT

I have an idea for a TV show. Not sure of a name yet. Something like: “Here’s A Load Of Freaks with Talent. Who Do You Feel Sorry For The Most?” Not very catchy but I’m working on that. The contestants will compete for the opportunity of obscurity after a brief appearance on the Royal Variety Performance. We’ll throw them into the public spotlight, expose their private lives in the papers, patronise them by reporting on their rags-to-riches success story, then demonise them when we’re bored of them and our attentions have switched to the latest Big Brother racist evictee. The contestants? There’s a ninety-three year old man that can juggle his own eyes. A four year old girl who can recite the complete works of Shakespeare whilst simultaneously milking a squirrel. A troupe of midgets, who, using a series of distorting mirrors, actually appear normal human size. Wow! That’s my favourite so far. Think I’ll vote for them. Hang on, the ex-driving instructor’s on next. The one that can jump up and down better than anyone else in the world. It’s such a difficult decision. This is really going to capture the public’s imagination. And what a welcome relief from all that global warming bollocks.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 29

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 23:07:33 GMT

Isn't everything just wonderful? Don't we all just get on great? Aren't our differences fascinating? Isn't the graffiti colourful? Isn't the health service excellent? Aren't house prices perfect? Isn't our attitude towards racism balanced? Aren't CCTV cameras reassuring? Isn't road rage entertaining? Isn't our government effective? Isn't dog shit on the beach funny? Aren't used needles pointy? Aren't fat people jolly? Aren't skinny people thin? Don't ugly people have great personalities? Don't pretty people look nice? Aren't drugs comforting? Aren't I positive? Isn't the future exciting? Isn't it?

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Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 20:58:51 GMT

Another week. Another week of poor customer service. Remember when the customer was king? When the customer was always right? Well now, the customers are outside the royal castle looking up at the battlements as pots of steaming human waste are poured onto their faces. The idea of the customer ever being right is now nothing but a laughable myth. So, the centre-parted, halfwit “assistant” that taps his watch when I’m trying on shoes a minute after closing time, thinks I should hurry up. Why? So he can get back to his dimly lit bedroom and wade through the sea of semen encrusted tissues to his computer. Why would he need to learn the basics of conversational skills when he can type inane ramblings to a sexually frustrated, middle-aged man on the other side of the world, with his pants round his ankles, who tonight happens to be masquerading as nineteen year old Susan from Boston? The birth of the internet and our increasing reliance on digital communications is destroying our interpersonal skills and slowly bringing about the death of customer service. I can’t be assed to go to work today. I’m not really in the mood to talk to anyone. I think I’ll just stay home and wank over pictures of hairy-legged dwarves. E-mail your thoughts, concerns and creative death threats to: orangepeel999@hotmail.com or specileptic@hotmail.co.uk

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 26

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sat, 19 May 2007 10:48:45 GMT

Archaelogy. OK, what we’re going to do is take twenty people in corduroy trousers with beards (including the women) and those glasses that make your eyes like half the size they actually are. Then we’re going to dig a very big hole in a field in the middle of nowhere in the rain. And we’re going to take ages doing it to avoid any damage to the potential “find”. Then we’re going to section areas off with lots of string attached to little posts that we’ve bought from the archaelogical supply shop. And we’re going to scratch around on our knees with toothbrushes for the next two weeks until we find something that could be a broken arrowhead from the 12th century but is more likely to be just an anonymous bit of flint that’s no doubt dreamt of being discovered by a bespectacled, muddy-kneed geek, for the last million years. And while we’re on the subject, how long does a body have to be buried before it’s discovery is considered an archaelogical find and not cause for a murder investigation? And that’s not a cryptic confession of guilt, either. The only thing I’ve ever buried in the ground is my guinea pig. And that was only because it was too big to flush down the toilet. Have a good week.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 25

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sat, 12 May 2007 12:02:56 GMT

It has come to light this week that muggings are on the increase in Cardiff (specifically the Mount Stuart's Square area for those that live there). This got me thinking. What is the mentality of a person that would steal something from someone in the street? To burgle a house when there's nobody home is one thing, but to look someone in the eye and take what's theirs in the street, suggests a considerably more worrying detachment from humanity. I'm not interested in trying to understand the plight of the criminals involved. They don't deserve my sympathy. However they've been brought up, however deprived their developmental years, the basic awareness of what's right and wrong is part of our genetics. These people want what we've got without having to work for it. They are the senior representatives of this "something for nothing" generation. And this generation is thriving on a diet of our fear. So what can we do? Wait for more "policies"? Do we watch this cancer grow, hoping that we can treat it with paracetemol? In lieu of a Spiderman or Superman to save us all from the demise of civilised society, we'll soon have Gordon Brown. See, it's not all bad...

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 24

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sat, 05 May 2007 22:42:31 GMT

This show is dedicated to Mark who lived next door to me when I was a kid. He died last weekend, aged thirty-eight. If you are thirty-eight, or in your thirties, whatever you plan to do in your retirement, you may want to think about doing it now. Because if there is a God, it would appear that he runs the "who lives and dies" department in heaven by pulling names printed on balls out of a spinning basket. It seems life is a lottery. So don't take it for granted. See the Grand Canyon. Work out your finances. Only buy what you need and save the rest. Then tell your boss to go fuck him(or her)self and walk from your dimly lit office and out into the sunlight and never look back. Or just hope that your name doesn't come up on one of those plastic balls before you make it to the Pyramids. Good Luck!

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 22

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 21:53:03 GMT

Help. I've been watching Eastenders and stuffing my fat face with chocolate and crisps and cake. Soon I'll be so fat that they'll have to remove the side of the house so that I may be removed and paraded on The Jeremy Kyle show as the physical manifestation of all that is good about our green and pleasant land. Email me at orangepeel999@hotmail.com with your dieting suggestions. Don't email me if you want to sell me cheap viagra or a watch. Don't email me if you've suddenly come into money after a terrible plane crash on the African continent and you want to share it with me for no apparent reason. Don't email me if you are in search of a husband and a new life. You don't want to come here. Really. It's dirty and overcrowded. The people are miserable. It's too expensive. Given the choice of three lanes, people drive in the middle. There are two pigeons to every human being and you'll spend a third of the rest of your life waiting at red lights. Have a good week.

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Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 21:39:34 GMT

Another Comic Relief is finally over. £40 million to buy flowers and grapes for the starving AIDS children. Sorry all you pensioners who can't afford your winter heating bills. You're just not cute enough for a share of the spoils. If only you were younger with big, woeful eyes. If only you were failed by a country in chaos. If only you were victims of a greedy dictatorship, thinly veiled as a democracy. Hang on a minute...

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 19

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sat, 24 Feb 2007 11:20:33 GMT

I have just returned from Iceland. It is a pristine, spectacular and mystical place. It's clean, the people are friendly and the water is as pure as an angel's tears. Sadly, I had to come back to the floating turd that is Britain. Though it's not all bad. Booze is cheap and the pigeon population is thriving on an abundant diet of inner-city, post-binge vomit.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 18

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 23:20:27 GMT

If I was given a monkey for every time I talked about my penis in this podcast, I'd have enough to populate my own safari park. Imagine having your car ripped to pieces after venturing into the monkey enclosure, knowing that those monkeys were there as a direct result of repeated reference to my underused bangstick...

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 17

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Sun, 04 Feb 2007 21:29:25 GMT

We swear a lot in this one. Be warned. If you live in Siberia, our overuse of expletives is the least of your worries as you clear the orange snow from your drive...

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Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 23:37:04 GMT

Another Christmas has passed. Useless trinkets packed away until next year's over-priced, over-hyped, soulless consumer fiasco. It's all about Jesus, apparently. Fuck that. I want turkey and sherry and presents. Episodes 14 and 15 will hereby be known as the lost episodes and may appear as part of a limited edition DVD of our early work when we're both dead from liver failure.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 13

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Fri, 08 Dec 2006 00:14:15 GMT

Humans as fertiliser. Time travel. Two of my Nan's favourite subjects before her untimely death on a poorly maintained fairground ride.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 10

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 20:34:42 GMT

If you've had a bad week maybe we can help. While you're listening, touch the screen and feel how our comedy medicine replenishes your aura. You are an amazing person. You are an amazing person. Though you've got a weird nose...

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 8 - Comedy Podcast

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 19:36:24 GMT

This week, we've taken the Podcast, and simmered it over a low heat until it's reduced down to half the size. Experience the concentrated flavours of Accommodation for short people, intimate waxing and desert slugs. So, do you like it shorter, or longer. Is the new reduced podcast size the perfect comedy snack or do you prefer a huge plate full of fun? You decide...

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 7 - Comedy Podcast

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 17:55:47 GMT

Welcome to the seventh podcast from Dan and Neil. In a parallel universe, Dan work's as a vet and Neil is a lapdancer and part-time porn star. But in this world, they choose to record their conversations for public scrutiny. This week, magic deaf people, May Fly Sex Orifices, prosthetic beards and pube straightening... Download a new show (for free!) right here every Saturday! If there's anything you'd like us to discuss on your behalf or anything else you'd like to share, contact us at: specileptic@hotmail.co.uk or orangepeel999@hotmail.com. See you next week!

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 5

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 23:20:44 GMT

Welcome to the fifth comedy podcast from Dan and Neil. For those of you who feel the urge to have sex with flowers, you've got a friend. Be advised, this show may contain traces of peanuts and is not suitable for Mexicans.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 4

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 20:33:43 GMT

This week Dan & Neil discuss prescription biscuits, in-car cooking, sexy dog breeds, fat people on rollercoasters and long-term relationships with cars.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 1

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Tue, 19 Sep 2006 21:47:04 GMT

The very first comedy podcast from Dan and Neil so hold onto your hats...(30min15sec)

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 2

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Tue, 19 Sep 2006 21:37:16 GMT

The second comedy podcast from Dan and Neil is dedicated to tremendous antipodean deceased wildsman Steve Irwin.

Dan and Neil in Your Eyes 3

Dan & Neil in Your Eyes Comedy — Tue, 19 Sep 2006 21:26:39 GMT

This week they talk about inducing epilepsy with strobe lights, freaking out acid trippers, and the mating habits of the Dalek.