If there's anyone living in New Zealand or Australia that wants to swap places with me and come and live in the UK, please get in touch. Why would you want to live where you are?

You could be here, soaking up the grey skies. You could move into an area terrorised by marauding, knife-wielding, hoodie gangs. You could brave the roads, trying to avoid being a victim of road rage at the hands of a tiny-brained, pre-historic lunatic, hell-bent on turning your face to mince, purely because you suggested that he might have been in the wrong when choosing the pull out in front of you. But, don't worry. CCTV has made this country safe. When you are beaten to the point of being unrecognisable, or stabbed to death for your phone, you can be sure that the perpetrator will be caught on camera after committing the crime. Thank God for such effective deterrents.

So come on! What you waiting for? Send me pictures of your house and I'll send you pictures of mine. You can't miss it. It's covered in Tags, so you get a house that doubles as and outdoor gallery of contemporary youth expression. Bargain!