I have an idea for a TV show. Not sure of a name yet. Something like: “Here’s A Load Of Freaks with Talent. Who Do You Feel Sorry For The Most?” Not very catchy but I’m working on that.

The contestants will compete for the opportunity of obscurity after a brief appearance on the Royal Variety Performance. We’ll throw them into the public spotlight, expose their private lives in the papers, patronise them by reporting on their rags-to-riches success story, then demonise them when we’re bored of them and our attentions have switched to the latest Big Brother racist evictee. The contestants? There’s a ninety-three year old man that can juggle his own eyes. A four year old girl who can recite the complete works of Shakespeare whilst simultaneously milking a squirrel. A troupe of midgets, who, using a series of distorting mirrors, actually appear normal human size. Wow! That’s my favourite so far. Think I’ll vote for them. Hang on, the ex-driving instructor’s on next. The one that can jump up and down better than anyone else in the world. It’s such a difficult decision.

This is really going to capture the public’s imagination. And what a welcome relief from all that global warming bollocks.