Help. I've been watching Eastenders and stuffing my fat face with chocolate and crisps and cake. Soon I'll be so fat that they'll have to remove the side of the house so that I may be removed and paraded on The Jeremy Kyle show as the physical manifestation of all that is good about our green and pleasant land. Email me at orangepeel999@hotmail.com with your dieting suggestions. Don't email me if you want to sell me cheap viagra or a watch. Don't email me if you've suddenly come into money after a terrible plane crash on the African continent and you want to share it with me for no apparent reason. Don't email me if you are in search of a husband and a new life. You don't want to come here. Really. It's dirty and overcrowded. The people are miserable. It's too expensive. Given the choice of three lanes, people drive in the middle. There are two pigeons to every human being and you'll spend a third of the rest of your life waiting at red lights. Have a good week.